Psychologically preparing for parenthood
You have 9 months to prepare for the arrival of your baby.
You imagine how it will be. You imagine how it will change your life, what your baby might be like, what type of parent you’ll be, you know it will be challenging but is it ever possible to truly prepare to become a parent for the first time?
The truth is that we can never truly predict how we will cope with the transition to parenthood, but research does suggest that psychological preparation in pregnancy can help soften the transition and even help you to navigate any difficulties that do arise. Here are some areas you might wish to think about during your pregnancy.
Make room some for ambivalence
Becoming a mother or father requires a psychological shift and even in pregnancy you are beginning to adjust to the idea of becoming a parent. Some ambivalence about becoming a parent is normal - for example, joy and worry to co-exist at the same time. Expect ambivalence, see it as two sides of the same coin and a healthy part of your transition.
For example, you can feel excited to become a parent, whilst also feeling fearful of what to expect. You can feel ‘so ready’ for this baby whilst also feeling like you have no clue what you’re doing.
Allow yourself permission to feel ambivalence and know that this is normal and doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby or that you won’t be a good parent. Give this space and name it. Hold the idea of ambivalence in your mind and gently remind yourself of this when it shows in postpartum.
Obviously if you notice that anxiety or low mood become the prominent emotion it is worth seeking professional support.
Acknowledge your Matrescence
Matrescence is a developmental transition whereby a woman transitions to becoming a mother. Matrescence sounds like adolescence because both describe a period of expected emotional upheaval. Just as adolescence describes a teenager’s passage into adulthood, matrescence describes a woman’s transition into motherhood and the psychological, social and physical changes that come along with it. The developmental process of matrescence begins in pregnancy - the physical transformation is constant - our bodies change faster during pregnancy than they do during adolescence. Acknowledge this process and give yourself grace.
Reflect, reflect, reflect
Reflect on the parent you hope to be, what was your childhood like? What do you want to take forward and leave behind? What support will you need to become the parent you hope to be. What struggles do you imagine you might have and what support might you need? What might you need to learn before baby arrives?
Research has shown that the ‘psychological labour’ of reflecting on these ideas can help to prepare and assist in navigating challenges in the postpartum period. For some reflecting on these topics may be difficult and even painful, and exploring this with a therapist can help.
Solid foundations
If you are in a relationship, it is worth preparing your relationship. Even the most solid and aligned couple is likely to have some turbulence in the early days. This isn’t to suggest its all doom and gloom - of course there will be so much happiness for you as a couple, but it can be helpful to think about these things before baby arrives.
What are your strengths as a couple? What areas do you struggle with? How do you imagine a new baby to impact this? How will you work through these struggles?
It can be helpful to remember that you are two people trying their best and are likely operating in survival mode for those first few weeks and months.
Connect with your little one
Don’t forget connect with your baby during pregnancy - bring your baby to life in your mind, wonder what he or she might be like. Try to make time to ‘be with’ your baby every day, even if that is ten minutes of stillness noticing any movements and chatting to them. I acknowledge that for some, this might the difficult for an array of reasons, if it does feel difficult start slowly and build up. Remembering that working with a perinatal psychologist can help you here. Again, we know that taking time to build this connection with baby during pregnancy will help with post-natal bonding and navigating challenges in postpartum.
Build your support system during pregnancy
The importance of having peers who are going through the same thing is not to be underestimated. This can help with feeling seen and heard, normalising your experience, and having a support shoulder to lean on (even if it is over WhatsApp). You can try building your network by joining groups and developing those friendships that can carry through to postpartum. Online pregnancy groups can also be helpful. Also check with your local Child Health Nurse about new mothers’ groups in your area.
Practical issues
Feeling prepared in a practical sense can support confidence and ease anxiety in parents to be. Equip yourself with knowledge about feeding, settling and basic baby care. If you plan to breastfeed - are there any workshops in your area or online? What about if you’re not planning to breastfeed - where you can you learn about formula and bottle feeding? Your midwife can be a good place to start.
Sleep is an important one - considering your expectations around what newborn sleep looks like, what to expect and how to settle your little one. There is a lot of information out there so always ensure you are using resources from qualified healthcare professionals. Check out my sleep resources section which may be helpful.
Loosely consider how you might handle sleep deprivation. Can you call in a family member to help out? It can be helpful to know you have a plan in place if you need it. Think about what help you will need in the post-partum period for how long you’ll need it. Always overestimate how much help you’ll need and for how long. It can be helpful to outsource tasks if that is possible.
Have realistic and gentle expectations on yourself and your new family. Lower your expectation for yourself in the post-partum period and lower it again. If all you do is sit on the sofa and hug your baby for a few weeks - that’s OK. Gently remind yourself that you have just grown and birthed a human, you need rest and gentleness right now. It’s not realistic to bounce back physically or psychologically, give yourself time and grace. Extend that to yourself your baby and partner. You are all doing your best, one day at a time.
Pregnancy mental health check
Importantly, if you do feel that you are struggling with your mental health during pregnancy, don’t delay in seeking support from a perinatal mental health professional. Early intervention and softening any struggles you have during pregnancy will place you in the best position for a positive and psychologically healthy postpartum period. Please see a professional if you need to - we are just normal people like you and really aren’t that scary, I promise!
Whatever steps you take, the perinatal period is a vulnerable time and regardless of who you are and what you do to prepare, it is never your fault if you find it difficult.
Disclaimer
In this post we explore some areas you might wish to think about, this is my no means an exhaustive or complete list and is not a replacement for psychological therapy.